This Week’s Watches
It’s been a while since I’ve written a Weekly Roundup, even though I watched a ton of films over the Christmas holidays. But I have managed to compile some reviews together, and trust me when I say there will be a lot more on the way, as I still have plenty of movies left to get through. But here are some reviews to tide you over for another week. I tried to make some of them different, just to mix things up.
Fright Night (2011)
Starring: Anton Yelchin, Colin Farrell, Imogen Poots & David Tennant
Directed by: Craig Gillespie
Rating: 0 stars
Hollywood Movie Executive 1: “Hey, have you heard that we are remaking the movie Fright Night?”
Hollywood Movie Executive 2: “Well, it’s a cult classic, so I’m sure remaking it will make us some money, since people like paying to see a worse version of a film that is beloved by horror fans and they also want to spit on their cherished memories of the original one.”
Hollywood Movie Executive 1: “So what exactly was it about the original Fright Night that people loved?”
Hollywood Movie Executive 2: “Well, it is a campy tongue- in-cheek horror comedy with strong and likeable central characters, who are well developed and fully fleshed out, a very strong cast of actors, lots of gore, loads of tension and shocks, and it definitely doesn’t take itself too seriously. It’s also quite horrifying, even though it’s pretty funny.”
Hollywood Movie Executive 1: “Okay, well for the remake, how about we make it as lifeless and turgid as we possibly can, by writing a lazy, incomprehensible script that barely contains a plot; we have weak, bland main characters and cast terrible dislikeable actors to portray them. Then we make sure there is absolutely no tension, no scares, no real action or horror sequences, and make the whole thing boring and predictable. Then, for the comedy, we just allow the characters to say the f word and stick their middle fingers up at one another, because I’m sure that will make everyone laugh. Then let’s make it in 3D, so when you watch it in 2D everything looks really awful, including the CGI, and let’s make sure we film the whole thing in blue, just to try to give the film some atmosphere, even though we can’t force mounting tension into a film that has none.”
Hollywood Movie Executive 2: “Well, I guess you could. But then, it doesn’t exactly sound like you want to make a loving pastiche to the original film. It sounds like you just want to make a terrible new movie, in which no one, including the writer, directors or actors, even seem remotely interesting in making.”
Hollywood Movie Executive 1: “Exactly. But at least we will make some money at the box office, because fans of the original will be tricked into seeing it.”
The Movie Marmite Man: “I’m a fan of the original, and I wasn’t tricked into paying to see it, because I knew it would be absolute cack. Oh, and by the way, it was a box office disaster. Ironically, even if you had made the original Fright Night shot for shot, it would have been much much better than this!”
Hollywood Movie Executive 1: “Yeah but you still saw it, so my job is done.”
The Movie Marmite Man: “Even though I was forced to watch it, I kind of wanted to see it just to see how awful it was.”
Hollywood Movie Executive 1: “Yeah but you still saw it.”
The Movie Marmite Man: “True. But at least now I can warn the world about it by telling them to never, under any circumstances watch this movie, and to just watch the original instead. Even if this wasn’t a remake, it would still be just a terrible, terrible, movie.”
Hollywood Movie Executive 1: “Yeah but you still saw it.”
The Movie Marmite Man: (Pauses, sighs) “You make me sick.”
Paranormal Activity 2
Starring: Katie Featherston, Sprague Grayden, Brian Boland & Molly Ephraim
Directed by: Tod Williams
Rating: ★
This prequel to the original Paranormal Activity is almost exactly the same as the first one, except it isn’t scary, and is boring. The only reason there is to watch this film is if you want to some back plot and to find out what happens after the ending of the first one. And probably to link it to the third one, which I haven’t seen. But seriously, how many more films can you make with the same dogged elements: someone hovering over a bed, doors slamming loudly, and a woman being dragged around by invisible forces? Time shall tell.
For the next review, I will channel my inner Valley girl, because I’m just such an offbeat, quirky reviewer.
Easy A
Starring: Emma Stone, Penn Badgley & Amanda Bynes
Directed by: Will Gluck
Rating: 0 stars
Okay, so this is my review of the movie, Easy A, which I am broadcasting out, live, to the internet, over my WEBCAM, because this is a webcast and proves that I’m oh so modern and hip and COOL and can then talk to the camera and tell the whole BORING story. Let me just get my placard.
Part 1: Why the storyline is awful.
OMG, the film is about this girl who lies about sleeping with someone so everyone thinks she’s a WHORE and is ostracised by the entire school. (BTW, I just totally used a really long word, because that’s what all 16 years olds do). The plot is so stupid and boring, and it is hard to sympathise with a protagonist who causes all of her problems herself, and is then too proud and obnoxious to solve them, which could be done really simply. And, BTW, it’s so totally obvious that the script was written by a homosexual anti religious man who clearly got bullied at school by his peers and by Christians and so hates everyone and is using this film as his revenge. Dear Screenwriter: how about next time you write a script, you either A) get over it and move on with your life- you’re not at high school anymore! Or B) if you want to get revenge and make a point about people being ignorant and bullying outsiders, you do it subtlety, so that I don’t feel like it’s being DRILLED INTO MY SKULL like an episode of Glee.
Part 2: Why the characters are awful.
Yeah, so, the main girl is just so annoying, but she’s meant to be QUIRKY and interesting and PEPPY and contemporary. As I said before, she causes her own problems and then wines about them when she could easily solve them. Emma Stone proves that she is a good actress, because she plays the part too well. She’s that girl at school that you always wanted to PUNCH IN THE FACE because she’s so patronising and thinks she’s better than everyone else (even though she’s DEFINITELY not) and tries too hard to be an outsider, but secretly wants to be accepted by everyone. Her parents are also so DOWN WID DA KIDS and hip hoppin’ because they talk about sex and drugs and they’ve adopted a black child for no real reason but to prove that they are SO wacky and ZANY. All the other teenagers are just totally bland one dimensional cardboard cut outs and most definitely do NOT act like teenagers as they all use long words and are oh so eloquent. I mean, its totally obvie that none of the actors are real teenagers, but then, the target audience is definitely NOT real teenagers as they would most certainly NOT enjoy it, because it’s for people who were old enough to watch 80s teen movies when they came out in the, you know, 80s. Which brings me to my next point:
Part 3: Why the film is awful.
The critics hailed this movie as AMAZING darlings, but that’s because it just SO clever with the self referential moments and the self mocking in-jokes, and of course, since only film critics and theorists will understand these, even though they alienate almost the entire audience, that makes it a GOOD film. For example, the funky teacher raps, then says that only bad movies have raps in them. LOL. It also references a load of 80s teen movies, ironically trying to emulate them but FAILING to do so. FAIL. For example, the main character says ‘why can’t my movie be like an 80s movie with a musical number, a fist pump, and a boy standing outside my window with a stereo’. Then GUESS WHAT HAPPENS. LMFAO. It’s oh so clever and hilarious, darling. Oh, I GET IT.
Part 4: Easy A sucks arse.
So, all in all, that concludes my review. There is absolutely NOTHING redeeming about this film. Every character in Easy A speaks like a 45 year old pretentious scriptwriter, but that just makes them all oh so ECCENTRIC and UNIQUE, as is the plot. It’s meant to be about people judging others at high school but- OMG- it’s not really about high school at all, as it is an UNSUBTLE over the top annoyingly pretentious zealous attack on- you guessed it- OUR SOCIETY! And when I say our society, I really mean AMERICAN society and bigotry in general. But instead of writing something that actually makes its point intelligently and effectively, darling, it just seems like the scriptwriter grabbed a hold of my head and smashed it into a BRICK WALL screaming ‘I HATE Christians! I HATE high school! I HATE people who JUDGE others, even though I am judging and condemning them in this script!! Why couldn’t I be cool and popular and accepted when I was young, and so now have to take out all my pent up rage on the people who bullied me by insulting them in Hollywood movies?!?’ Dear Scriptwriter (again): You made it. You proved them wrong. You are now a successful Hollywood writer whose film was critically commended, even though it was TERRIBLE. Let it go and move on with your life. Yours Sincerely, WEBCAST BOY.’
And so, I rest my case. This is the annoying knob from Easy A signing off and saying: This film SUCKS. Oh screw it, there’s no other way of saying it: this film is SHIT.
After seeing real rubbish, thank goodness I stumbled upon one gem in amongst the steaming turd!
Pick Of The Week:
The Fighter
Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Christian Bale, Amy Adams & Melissa Leo
Directed by: David O. Russell
Rating: ★★★★
This is a great drama based on real life boxing brothers Micky Ward (Wahlberg) and Dick Eklund (Bale). Most of the film centres on how Micky deals with his brother’s heroin addiction, and his relationship with his new girlfriend Charlene (Adams) and his mother Alice (Leo). Weirdly enough, for a film called The Fighter there is hardly any fighting in it, as instead we look at how drug addiction can destroy a person, their relationships with those closest to them, and damage a family. Christian Bale, who rightly won a Best Supporting Actor Academy Award, steals the show as a strung out junkie, and gets some really poignant and powerful scenes with Wahlberg and Adams. Adams and Leo are also both excellent; with Leo winning the Academy Award for Best Supporting Actress, although I feel that Adams gives a slightly better performance. Leo famously campaigned hard to win the award, even going as far as paying money out of her own pocket to place billboard advertisements of herself around Los Angeles, which obviously paid off! When the fighting scenes do come, they are really exciting and visceral: every blow is painfully inflicted and visually disturbing, and the final fight has some edge of your seat tension, with a shocking outcome, which I thought was amazing! Sometimes life provides better stories than fiction, and in the case of The Fighter, taking real life events and dramatising them makes excellent viewing.
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