It seems like I fell off the face of the blogging world for the past few weeks, which was surprising considering how diligent I was about posting 3-4 times a week. I know, I know...life happens. But I was also feeling really "meh" about this blog lately (I didn't even post about my birthday or October beauty favorites!) So I just want to give you guys a quick update about basically everything that has happened while I took my little break, along with the future plans for Floraful.
Birthday
Last week, I officially turned 28. I felt so much love, with 3 days worth of celebrating with family, and friends. On my birthday (which falls on October 26), Cecilio and my friends celebrated by having some drinks and appetizers at TenTen Room, the hip new bar in Downtown Sacramento. It's actually right next to the hotel where we had our wedding reception, so being in that area brought back some amazing memories. The next day, Cecilio and I ate out again! Then on the 28th (which was on a Saturday), my mom and stepdad hosted a costume party incorporating my birthday with it, which is kind of a yearly tradition since my birthday is close to Halloween. I just can't believe I will be 30 in 2 years. The idea of that sounds really scary to me. Shouldn't I have my life together? Anyway, I keep hearing from others is that your 30s are actually better than your 20s. I sure hope so, because my early-mid 20s were not in the best state at all.
Celebrating my birthday at TenTen Room
Us celebrating Halloween
I've been getting a lot more tasks at my new job. I have been working there for a month and a half, and November is the busiest month of the year. We host an annual turkey drive, then a few days later we will be distributing 4,000 turkeys to a long line of families in need. Then on Thanksgiving, we host our annual run, which is also one of the biggest Thanksgiving races in the country. I will have a really erratic schedule for the next few weeks, especially because I will be showing up for the race at 4:45 am to help set up (and the race also requires at least 2 days of setting up by all 80-something staff members and volunteers). My manager just started working in May, so it's going to be both of our first times experiencing the craziness of November in this organization. I know it's gonna be a bit stressful. The other day during a meeting, one of the directors was talking about the importance of self-care and doing things that make you happy and relaxed in the midst of the upcoming events going on. That made me feel calm that he was emphasizing that. I love my organization, its mission and the people I work with. Because I love it here that much, I can't ever see myself blogging full-time. It's not for me: I love having a stable income (after a year of a job search, this is not something I take for granted) and even though my role is more "behind-the-scenes", I am thankful to be a part of something bigger than myself. I feel fulfilled knowing that I am a part of helping end food insecurity. And I love getting to know different people, even though I am naturally an introvert.
Health and Spirituality
This is one area I've been getting really frustrated over. I am SO thankful that I am able to see my specialty doctors again after being under Cecilio's insurance. Since I started going back to my doctors, there has been some protein in my kidney showing up again. My doctors have been observing me for months, and I recently had to go back on prednisone because my labs showed that the protein in my kidney was showing up really high and my nephrologist wanted to tackle it before it got worse. I will be honest and say that I am frustrated as hell about it. I hate prednisone, though it has helped me in many ways. If you've read my blog for a while, you probably know that prednisone makes you gain weight, and it's always made me feel so self-conscious which is why I turn to makeup. Makeup has in a way, saved me, and gave me dignity while I was (and now am again) dealing with the prednisone weight gain. With prednisone, I am seriously famished, and it's not in an "OMG I want pizza now" type of way. It's a really painful type of hunger where even if I had a decent-sized meal and snacks (that usually can tide me over for hours), I am starving again and I get really lightheaded from it. I pride myself on having high cheekbones, but prednisone gives you a round moonface that makes me feel utterly self-conscious (here's an example of what I used to look like on prednisone in August 2014). I was starting to work out, and while I am not at my lightest weight (I just recently went back down to 129 pounds, but now prednisone is going to make it shoot back up), I finally felt comfortable and happy. Now that confidence is going to get taken away again. I believe in God and I am a Christian, and I (ok...honestly...sometimes, but not all the time) trust that He will get me through this. But I am going to be honest and let you know that I have been wrestling with Him about this: I've been praying, God, you know that my weight and body image issues are one of my biggest insecurities, so why are you allowing this to happen to me? I also hate taking prednisone because it's a constant reminder of my lupus, in general. I guess my lupus is Paul's (from the Bible) thorn in the flesh that he prayed to be taken away, and God wouldn't so that He could use Paul for His glory. I just pray that He does have a purpose for this, and that it's not for naught. Maybe He is allowing this to happen so that I can help and encourage someone too who is suffering from chronic illness and body image issues too. But He has used the doctors to heal me especially during my worst flareups between 2011–2014. So I can't say that He has ignored me or forgotten about me. He has graced me with so much, such as my job despite my lack of experience and charismatic personality. He has also blessed me with an amazing and wonderful husband, and Cecilio has been nothing but supportive of me. He never left my side even at my sickest or biggest size, or when I had to spend days in the hospital. Cecilio has been reminding me to look at the bigger picture, that the doctors are putting me back on it before it gets worse. He wants me to stay with him as long as possible on this Earth, and I do too with him, and I have to ensure that I stay healthy even if this drug is an inconvenience. Cecilio has been encouraging me to keep working out (I now have a membership at Pure Barre) despite the prednisone. The old me would've wanted to give up because of this setback, but now I will continue to work out to minimize the weight gain and to release all of my stress and bottled up emotions. I am trying to incorporate a plant-based diet while upping my protein to keep me full. My mom is encouraging me to take cranberry juice to clear out the gunk in my kidney and urine. I am thankful that I'm only taking 20 mg though. I've been on 80 mg before. I've been through way worse with lupus before (seizures, hospitalizations, daily high fevers for a month), so I know I can get through this. It's just still devastating to have to take it. I'm sorry if all of my concerns sound shallow, I don't mean for it to be. I've just suffered with low self-esteem and low confidence most of my life, even before prednisone. When I feel confident and comfortable, I am in a positive mindset and I radiate positive energy.
Blogging
I've just been plain ol' burned out from blogging, which is why I stopped all of a sudden. I mean, when I started my job, I was still doing my routine of writing posts in the evening and taking all of my photos during the weekend. I was still continuing for the first few weeks, and Cecilio admired how much I was still blogging even with a full-time job. Then somewhere along the way, I felt discouraged and unappreciated again. I kept thinking to myself, why I do I work my ass off taking photos and writing these posts when hardly anyone reads it or cares about what I have to say? What purpose does this even serve? I was starting to stress out over numbers and get heartbroken because I didn't reach 1000 Instagram followers, or I would stay up until midnight to check my daily Google Analytics (but now I haven't checked it in 2 weeks). I talk about being discouraged about blogging in this post here. I was reading Jemma from Dorkface's blog post about how she named her blog Dorkface because she feels like a loser in the blogosphere, and honestly I can really relate to it. Just like how I was always the ignored and overlooked one in real life, it also rings true in the blogosphere. It's funny too because in July, I wrote a whole list of blog posts to tide me over until the end of 2017 (I even have some 2018 post ideas!), but I scrapped that out when I had my sudden recent blogging break. I just feel like Floraful has ran its course a long time ago. And wtf would Floraful even mean to others? (I named it after my puppy, Flora) I will say that I do miss blogging, it brought me so much joy to create, write, and connect with other amazing women around the world. Who cares if I'm a tiny crustacean in the big blogging ocean? It doesn't mean I can't enjoy it. I mean, I still saved those blog post topics on my phone. So rather than quitting blogging altogether, I created a new one that I have not launched yet. I did this to start anew. I will still be talking a lot about makeup (I even have some long overdue reviews and hauls), but I will also talk about different things: graphic design tips, faith/inspiration-related things, lifestyle, fitness, fashion, etc. I mean, I already did have a lot of non-beauty topics on Floraful. But the new blog will be a more matured version. I also started this new blog because I wanted to get self-hosted on Wordpress, which is exactly what I did. Blogging started giving me an existential crisis, wondering if I was doing anything right or if I was planning my goals "the right way": Do I rebrand Floraful, or start a new blog? Should I import Floraful onto Wordpress? Will I lose my readers if I do start a new blog? It was really starting to stress me out, thus crashing and burning. So I needed this break to reflect on things and to see if I still wanted to continue blogging. And I still do, no matter what. So while I work on launching this new blog, I will still be commenting other peoples' blogs under Floraful. I wanted to wait until 2018 to launch the new blog, but I was already starting to get tired of Floraful before October started. I was thinking to myself, why do you have to wait until the New Year? The time is NOW. But with all of the big events going on at work, I may actually need the extra time preparing it. I just have to make time to take photos again, design (and re-design 100 times) the logo, and play around with branding. And once the new blog launches, I will change my social media usernames to match the new blog name.
It's ok to take a break from blogging, especially other things in life get in the way (whether good or bad). And it's easier said than done, but it's really important to be yourself: you don't have to fit a certain aesthetic to be a legit blogger, or schedule or plan your posts in a specific fashion. I was inspired by Kay from Shoes and Glitter in her post here: she was vulnerable about the fact that she not always happy, despite how bloggers show this cheerful, pink-and-white aesthetic with unicorns and marble. I prefer to keep things real.
Thank you to the people who do read my blog. Your love and support keep me going.
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